If you are ever going to live with a family member you do not usually spend time with, look into the situation before you dive in. I started living with my grandmother recently. I was surprised to witness my grandmother as very racist, homophobic, and very hateful. I have heard her complain about people in my family who have not baptised their children leaving the decision up to the children, and she has not only just complained but has gone as far as to almost entirely plan and set up a baptism before informing the family member. Although, if you try to tell her how to live her life or suggest something for her you are officially the worse human ever. Not to mention the fact that I am pansexual and listening to the way she says homosexuals are unnatural, and a waste just kills me. When she was talking like this around my aunt’s children, my aunt told her to watch her mouth and not talk like that around her kids. When I told my mother about how it made me uncomfortable and sick, she said just to keep my attraction to girls under lock and key for a while and ignore all other comments from my grandmother that are hateful. I try to go to another room to avoid the hate, but it seems just to fill the whole house and follow me. I don’t now what to do in this situation. I am new to the city so I don’t know anywhere I could go, and I have to stay here for school. I just feel stuck.

Odd Thoughts of Mine

I find myself thinking about what would people say and do if I went missing. Would it be a big thing? Would everyone who knows me go looking? Would individuals who don’t even know me go looking just because they feel sorry for my family? What would people say about me? I feel like I might think about this the way most girls think about planning their future weddings or proposals. I believe that it is because of all of the crime shows I watch, they always have the part about the victim going missing and how many people looked for her and what they said sometimes. Most of the time they mention that the victim was a joy to be around, that no one would ever want to hurt them because of how they were a ray of sunshine. Would people call me a ray of sunshine? Or a pest that made so many mistakes? I can see myself being the latter, but would people say that or would they say nice and say I was beautiful and great and blah, blah, blah, just because I am missing?  I’m not sure which I would prefer to hear. I think I would want people to be honest about what they think of me and if I end up being a ray of sunshine to someone that would be fantastic. I believe this is like when people think about what will be said about them at their funeral. I have only seen it mentioned three times in the media, on Glee, on Mrs Brown’s Boys, and on/in The Fault in our Stars. But maybe this is just a way people show that they are not afraid of death or dying? I think I am not scared of dying per say I just really don’t want to. I don’t want to know what happens after, everyone is either on the side of Heaven/Hell, or the side of you are just dead, and that is it. I’m not sure I want either to be right, especially those that say I am going to hell for eternity. When I think of life after death, I think of things like what happens in Corpse Bride or The Book of Life or maybe even Beetlejuice. All of those who are dead seem to be quite happy with their afterlife; they seem as though they have more life in them than when they were alive. Why would I trade something like that for gone-ness, a place full of white and goodness that only the right may go, or a location of fire where the wicked goes to be forever punished. But of course anytime I mention this to someone they get mad at me, I never really understand why. I am not someone who goes around and tells other’s their ideas of the afterlife is wrong or evil so why does it seem okay that people can tell me mine is? I believe I put enough thought and ideas behind my idea that it should seem like a good choice. I don’t understand people; I don’t think I ever will. Anyway, those are just some of my more morbid thoughts.

Sometimes I think I'm Completely Crazy

Hello Internet Audience,

I felt like opening up on here again; I'm starting to think I may be putting too much online, but I don't care at this point. You see I have been hella emotional, mostly because my period is like a month late but not the point. The point is, I try to be a non-emotional person but that is hard to do when I end up crying because someone buys me a coffee! I have no idea how to get my hormones to stop being out of wack. I have tried exercising, birth control (which it turns out I cannot talk anymore because of the symptoms that occur), being alone, being surrounded by people I love, and nothing works! It is bugging the hell out of me.
Of course, the worst part is now is when everyone wants to talk about the fact that, at this point in my life, I do not want to have children ever. First off I am only 19, I feel like it should be more of an issue if I wanted children right now. I may change my mind years from now when I feel my life is ready for kids, plus I am totally comfortable with being with someone who already has children.

Does God Really Feel Like That? Really?

A year ago this September I moved out of my parents home, I realised quite quickly that doing it without involving my parents' knowledge was the wrong way to go. But ever since school ended and I had to move back home I have heard non-stop about how awful I am for moving out, how all of my brother's anxiety and mental issues are my fault. I have had no issue just dealing with them saying that but now they have brought religion in. My parents and I normally have differing opinions about all religion topics but now they are telling me that my jaw pain and having to pay for a $40 mouth guard is God's way of punishing me for moving out. Just because a year ago I had all medical issues covered doesn't mean that I should have ignored my doctors, friends, and counsellors telling me that staying at home would be bad for my health. If God didn't want me to move out he shouldn't have made it so "bad for my health" to stay there. This is all so frustrating. 

Just Ranting 

Well hello again, it has been a hella long time since I last wrote here but with how I see my next year and so going I feel like I will be ranting my thoughts a lot more often. I have too many thoughts and I am about to go move in with my grandmother who is a major Donald Trump supporter, I on the other hand am very anti-Trump. We got into a huge argument about politics and stuff not too long ago, it got to the point to where I had to leave the house and go on a long walk. I will have to survive a whole year of this while I am going to college for a Law Clerk program, from September 6th until August 25th. Encase I go crazy I will write out the process from beginning to no more sanity here, I think it will be entertaining. Wish me luck y'all.

I've Been Gone Way Too Long

Well I am now in my last year of college, on to being a Early Childhood Educator. So much has happened and so much has changed. I can honestly say I am ready to hibernate for winter.

So far I have failed and passed classes, I have made new friends and also lost those new friends, and so much more. College is crazy with changes. I don't live at home anymore, it is a mind blowing difference. I can honestly say I am glad I did go through with going to college, even if I do have days when I wish I wasn't here anymore. My Christmas Holiday is starting this week which is exciting and also nerve wracking as that means I am so much closer to being done college. This is worse than when I finished high school, after I finish this no more school starts in September I just right into working somewhere.

That is going to be crazy like 15 years of school and now it is going to end. That is going to be a big change!

I enjoy these changes AFTER they happen, I learn a lot but before and as they are happening it is a very stressful experience that I would like to just skip. Also growing up sucks! There is so much more to do now, I pay bills and do taxes! It is crazy different than last year. Last year all I had to worry about was phone bill now I have rent to watch out for and I still don't understand taxes.

I would love to be sitting in a high school math class right now, that was something I could do. I miss math. Here is a tip for the future if you are really good and enjoy a certain course find something in college that actually has that course within it! Don't do what I did, I love math and went into a program that is all English class type work. English was my worst subject!

Another great tip, if you have many fears DO NOT move to the closest city that has all of that within it! I was only thinking about school when I did that now I sit in my room a lot, listen to all the sirens, and try to guess which it goes with. Fun times.

I Know Some Really Amazing People!

Remember when I said I lost and gained some friends... well I got back my lost friends. I really owe them a lot. I was an absolute bitch to them last year. They forgave me right away. I have so many great friends now. I used to be surrounded by the people who constantly bullied me and now it's all of the people who love me. I had 2 friends find out about me not eating very much food... for the past 5 years... and now they are making sure I eat something for every meal. I don't really like doing this but I appreciate their caring-ness. I found some people who I have never talked to are some really awesome people to know. They are some really great friends... even if we don't hang out all that much.

I also have a boyfriend now. He is amazing and perfect. I love him more than anything and everything. I know people are going to say that since we are only teenagers and don't know what love really is or something like that... well screw you. I know how I feel. I love him and I can't see myself with anyone else. He is my everything and he is what is bringing me out of my depression. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure he is always happy no matter how things turn out. Hopefully we will get married and have a big family <3

Tiz all for now... peace out peeps :)